MotherJana

Water is my wine. The earth is my body.

Finding the One

I’ll admit it, I’ve been on dating apps.

It’s somewhat of a hellish experience, except when it works. Swipe left, swipe right. Good, bad, ugly, weird. Yes, no, yes, no.

That’s a really bad way to live in this world.

If you can get past the barrage of images and look at people with an open heart, you’re on a better track, but many of these apps just make you practice judgment instead of sense. You walk through your life and your day, swiping left and swiping right on the people you see, thinking “like” and “dislike” will get you “there.” Where is there? Who the hell knows.

Originally, when I first got divorced, I jumped onto dating apps with glee, because it felt like shopping. Look at all the men out there, yum! And maybe I could have one, or two, or a few! I could add them to my cart and have them delivered right to my door!

But that gets old fast. People are people, and if your expectations are too high, they disappoint you.

So many of us are lonely, and we’re looking for “the one.” The one who is going to complete us. The one who is going to make everything all better. The one who is going to solve all our life’s problems.

Honey, that don’t come from a man.

That comes from God.

I know what I’m going to say next might sound crazy, so bear with me for a minute. I don’t want you to think I’m like all those people with fake smiles pushing an agenda. I’m really not. I’m just telling you my experience, based on all the shit I’ve tried. Lots and lots of shit. Lots and lots of searching. To the point that my mom has, breathlessly, said to me on the phone, “What on earth are you looking for? I just want you to find peace.”

Well, I found it, but it was not where she or I expected.

My head, for much of my life, has been so full of ideas. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts. Ideas, ideas, ideas. I assumed my ideas and my thoughts defined me, that they were my identity. And yet I didn’t know which ones to grasp at, which ones were wise. All those many thoughts became critters in my mind, bugs crawling around. And that is not the way you get to peace, to happiness.

What happened, honey, was that I just ended up on the floor crying too many damn times. I went to shamans and Buddhist meditation classes and intuitive healers. I meditated every day. I did yoga, I exercised. I looked up the meanings of crystals so they could fix me. None of them worked the way that the beautiful, brilliant light of that Jesus guy did.

He’s so gentle. And he’s so sweet, like every man should be. And when you call on him to be in your life, to be with you in your dark moments, he caresses you in a way that makes it feel all better. A way that tells you you don’t have to go through this hard life alone.

There are a lot of assholes out there who have used the “J” word to hurt, to force, to control, and to judge. They have perverted his name and done horrible things. But that is them. That is not Him, the Anointed One. The One who guides and protects. The guru you don’t have to search in the Himalayas for many years to find.

He is already here, right in your heart.

A real-life man who showed me some pretty good love allowed me to cry my heart out in front of him, and didn’t judge me or try to fix anything. He stayed quiet. (The quietest I’ve ever heard him, in fact.) And then he hugged me. And then he left.

It took me a couple of days to realize that even though that wasn’t what I wanted, it was what I needed.

Because a man is not going to fix a hole in you. He’s not going to fill you up and make you love yourself. If it seems like he does that, I promise you, that feeling is going to go away. And eventually, when you see he’s only human, you’ll tire of him, or he’ll tire of you. And everyone is going to get hurt.

Filling up your holes and your broken spaces is something only God can do.

So ask, when you’re ready. When you’re broken, when you’re clueless, when you’re in pain, when you’ve tried everything else. Don’t worry if you don’t have the right clothes on, or what wrongs you’ve committed, or if you haven’t shaved your legs. This “J” guy doesn’t care. He likes to help, and you can never disappoint him. He can handle all of you, every last piece. He loves your mind, and he loves your heart, and he loves your body. All of it is precious to him. He adores it all.

If that ain’t the definition of True Love, I don’t know what is.

 

“True Love”by Identity Photogr@phy is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Categories: love

Tags: ,

2 replies

  1. Another beautiful piece of writing that will bring you to your knees.

    Like

  2. Wow! ” None of them worked the way that the beautiful, brilliant light of that Jesus guy did. ” Whoooa amazing I’ve just fallen dipper in Love with Him.

    Like

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